Moist Hands Emergency

I work at the airport.

I realize better than most the ridiculousness of the security regulations (Lighters? Sure! 4 ounce bottle of lotion to soothe Aunt Marge's dry skin? "CODE RED!! GET THIS WOMAN A ZIPLOCK!!"). Each day, I walk past a sign indicating the Security Level--illustrated by the primary (and some secondary!) colors, just to ensure that people who cannot wipe their own ass are well aware of the terrorist threat. It's Orange today?! Did I mention the broad with the 4 ounce lotion? Orange means, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT CRAZY BITCH."

So, my point being, it is someone in the government's job to ensure that traveling through an airport makes you want to lie in the fetal position and urinate in your pants. That guy is doing a hell of a stand-up job. He has taken this debilitating fear and distributed it like a Ronco Flavor Injector into every square inch of Portland International Airport. Even the LADIES' RESTROOMS.

It's a seemingly typical bathroom. Toilets with beads of water (?) all over the seats, motion-detector faucets that only turn on if you emit infrared rays from your body, and the paper-towel dispenser. But not just any paper towel dispenser. This dispenser, my friends, has a special feature.

It has an Emergency Feed. EMERGENCY! Emergency. Paper. Towel. Feed. I'll give you a second to collect your brains off of the floor.

Please observe that this advisement is also posted in FIVE LANGUAGES. GOD IN HEAVEN!! Is there a troupe of desperately over-moistened Swahilis traveling through PDX that I don't know about? Am I unaware of a wetness-induced bloodrage common amongst non-English-speaking Spaniards? Or has the state of widespread terror in this country expanded to include avoiding wet spots on the waistbands of our Dockers (gasp!! Pass me the smelling salts, lest I faint!!)

And, PRAYTELL, where is the Emergency Feed on the toilet paper dispenser, for all of those who lose control of their bowels after seeing "Emergency Paper Towel Feed" written in Sanskrit characters predating Christ?

If anyone can think of a legitimate emergency that could only be circumvented via one-ply paper towel, please find me immediately. I'll be the one cowered in the corner of the E-Gate terminal gargling bleach.