The Laziness of Americans That Defies Explanation With Physics, Logic or Fat Jokes

I'm going to preface this with a fact about myself that most who know me have heard a million times, so I swear not to beat this horse to his 14th death.

One of the annoyances of daily life that has followed me from the very beginnings of my awareness of those around me - and notably how annoying everyone around me typically is - has got to be people who don't return their shopping carts. Pregnant people get a pass if they are in their third trimester, and it is raining. Anyone old enough to utilize absorbent underwear gets an enthusiastic pass and a hug. Injured/disabled - obviously - in fact, I'll push it back for you. Everyone else - you only get a free pass IF THERE ARE LOCUSTS.

This annoyance has been around probably since the invention of the wheel, and honestly - people who don't return their shopping carts now just bore me with the unoriginality of their laziness. There's a new sheriff in town, and ever since they came around to piss on my parade, I HAVE SEEN THEM EVERYWHERE.

There are people among you - your friends, coworkers, family - who take laziness to an entirely new level. These people are the belches and farts of evolution that take human form - as non-handicapped, non-pregnant, non-geriatric assclowns who push the Handicapped button on doors so they don't have to push them open themselves.

I am pretty sure that upon seeing this phenomenon, the little neurons in my brain look around at each other and say, "wait wait, this is our evolutionary competition...?" and immediately start huffing paint and shooting pure grain alcohol because, really, they got this shit in the bag.

Now this isn't just lazy. Pushing this button takes exactly the same amount of energy as pushing the fucking door open. But interestingly, people who push this button because they - gasp - are actually handicapped, are engaging in MUCH greater physical labor to pass through than the sweaty land-cows that push the Magic Button so they can have both hands free to double-fist cheeseburgers while they waddle through the doorframe sideways.

I mean seriously, these neurons of mine are definitely on a booze-soaked huffing binge because I can't even wrap my smart-ass brain around this next level of laziness. I feel like we should only encounter such hyper-laze in a technological age when cars drive themselves, mate with each other and robots wipe our asses.

I mean, where is the logic?! Regular, old-fashioned 20th century laziness at least MADE SENSE. Do something the easy way, because it's easier than doing it the normal way. Examples: Cooking boxed macaroni instead of boiling noodles, grating cheese and stirring. But now, this is a new breed. The new standard is: pushing a button to open a door so that it opens for you, instead of pushing a door so that it opens for you. So:

1) The amount of energy expended is the same

2) The end result is the same

3) Fuck - reread that sentence and the words describing what you're doing are practically the same

So what's the difference here? What makes the Magic Button the more attractive option? Does the Handicapped stick-figure symbol look like a fried turkey leg when your vision is clouded by the gym membership card in your wallet finally giving in and vaporizing?

I think I have it figured out. We have become so entitled that we don't feel obligated to do anything for ourselves! (pause) Wait wait wait... I was not looking to go the self-reflective route as much as I wanted to rag on the over-indulgent and growing stereotype of Americans who make me embarrassed to go to Europe. But, maybe I've directed my snotty dislike in the wrong direction. Maybe this level of laziness spans all activity levels and weight classes and I really need to face a harsh-ass reality:

OMG Y'ALL, AMERICANS ARE ALL FUCKING LAZY. Fat, skinny, rich, poor - we're all festering in laziness. My new mission is to spend an entire day making a mental log of all of the needlessly lazy things that I do not to save time or energy, but simply because I'm a lazy, dopey shit.

Okay, I know where I'll start - when I microwave my leftovers for one minute, I'm NOT going to press 6, 0 instead of 1, 0, 0, SIMPLY because it involves less buttons.

You too can be free of laziness! Join me! It's like someone really important said once:

"Give me liberty, or give me death!"

Unless, uhmm... liberty involves like doing lots of things, or walking places... in which case... let me get back to you after I'm done watching reality TV and eating Pizza Rolls.

How Mystic Tans and Fat Stay-At-Home Moms are Destroying America

We recently celebrated the Fourth of July, which basically means we all blew shit up in the name of loving our country with little/no regard for the non-Americans who were smart enough to design and manufacture the explosives that we set off in open spaces of dry grass which was mowed by Mexicans who we won't allow citizenship, surrounded by innocent children who's parents don't have medical insurance to pay for their hospital bills when they're beaned in the eye with a Roman Candle, in between swigs of Bud Light and mouthfuls of crunchy, sodium-y things. Yay America!

The 4th however really reminded me of the gut-melting ridiculousness of being an American that none of us likes to acknowledge. We're greedy and corrupt, we cast aside the blue-collar workers, the "outcasts", those who are so unfortunate to be both sick AND poor. I mean the injustice that we are at the center of is definitely worthy of a well-researched, epic documentary for the world to see. But, I'm a fucking AMURIKUN so I'll make my point in my native language - via examples from reality TV. This is the first installment of many. You freaking Americans gave me a lot of material.

EXAMPLE #1: Toddlers & Tiaras vs. The Global Human Sex-Trafficking Trade

Who in their motherloving mind wouldn't just spontaneously vomit at the idea of a young girl being whored out for the sexual gratification of perverts? I mean, the UN is all up on that shit and it's a huge global problem. Anyone capable of human emotion could reasonably agree that sex trafficking little girls is fucked-up, yo!

Let me please remind you that you live in America, where mothers dress up their kindergartners in the image of what they wished they looked like when they were 22 before they became obese hedgehogs of wives - in spray-tans, more makeup than B-list porn stars, and enough sequins to bury Elton John on the moon.

I am a non-sex-offending heterosexual woman and my first thought upon seeing this was, "Damn, girl." WHAT IS GOING ON HERE! When I was this age, I had finger-paint smeared on my face and hadn't combed my hair in two weeks. This girl has nicer legs than me and more makeup than I wore to the prom and SHE IS FUCKING, LIKE, SIX YEARS OLD!

Okay, so... let me get this straight. We wax the legs of six-year old girls and shackle them in make-up and body-paint while teaching them that the more men want to bang them, the more they're worth - but we call porn stars and Planned Parenthood patients "sluts"...? My brain is pooping its pants right now.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not faulting these poor girls for the whore parade that they're forced into by their fat, unemployed mothers. In fact, my solution to the American Sex Trafficking Trade that we call "beauty pageants" is really simple - if you have poor self-worth and somehow managed to wrangle a man into marriage so he can pay your bills and free up your schedule to accommodate fast-food binges and Oprah reruns FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST USE CONTRACEPTION. Please don't have children that you sickeningly use to remind yourself that you had really hot genes before you decided to sustain yourself on as many Twinkies as you can shove down your gaping maw before your husband comes home and avoids having sex with you.

I guess the moral of this story is: If you fancy the idea of a female being given money, attention and praise based on the caliber of her body and general attractiveness - please follow the below steps:

1) Take birth control pills like they are fucking M&Ms and double-bag any naked penis that comes near you.

2) Go to the gym, eat a reasonable diet, take pride in your hot-ass body and show it off as you see fit.

3) Use said body to do any/all of the following - land a man/get a job/make money/feel good about yourself/contribute to society.

I mean, shitting out a kid that you dress up sexier than you could ever hope to be is really just the ultimate lazy cop-out. How un-American is that?! I am ALL FOR the excessive portrayal of the beautiful and sexy female body. I love a hot chick in a short skirt any day of the week. So ladies, if you agree with that statement to the point that you want to financially benefit from the fact that men love to look at tan, skinny things - BE A TAN, SKINNY THING. Don't cop-out and just squeeze something out of your vagina that you cover in glitter and mascara while it still has baby teeth and shove it up on stage to be spank-bank material.

Be a true American! Whore yourself and not your offspring! It's the patriotic thing to do.