This Product Kinda-Sorta Does A Couple Things, Sometimes

Sometimes, something so prolific and disturbing comes along in my life that I am instantly and deeply driven to blog. Now, I see and hear a lot of crazy shit in my line of work so when these things come along you know they're big. Today I encountered one of these things.

I'm talking of course about kitchen disinfecting wipes. But not just ANY kitchen disinfecting wipes, American Fare generic brand kitchen disinfecting wipes. Please observe:

They look like normal disinfecting wipes, you say? You are really good at being so, very, very wrong and I'd like to ask you to stop it. Look at the yellow print!! Do you see what that says?!

"Kills 99% of some bacteria"

I admit, after seeing this I had to take two Xanax and cower in the corner of my kitchen drinking 100-proof Rumpleminze directly from the bottle. A disinfecting wipe that kills a limited amount of NOT EVEN ALL THE BACTERIAS?? Well it gets better:

Oh, what's that, you say? Just a lovely little label that says: "Fresh Scent Limited Disinfectant"

I am starting to feel a little cheated by these flaccid, soggy bastardwipes. It's not just that they suck at disinfecting (if I get e.coli, American Fare Wipes--YOUR ASS IS MINE), it's that they're so very aggressive in their marketing of their own suckiness. My Lysol wipes say this on their cover: "Kills 99.9% of germs!! Cleans and Disinfects!" Unicorns and candy!! I am excited about THOSE wipes!! C'mon, American Fare, who's in charge of your marketing department, Opie from Family Guy?

You might be asking yourself, "what are these things good for?", much like I once did before I read the back label. That was a simpler time.

Instead of just being as self-defeating as they were on their front cover and saying something like, "Effective against cleaning kitchens and maybe a sink or some shit", American Fare went and got ambitious. Some mentally challenged, hard-drinking ape who works at American Fare put together quite a lengthy list of uses. Among them, I give you:

"Effective against: 99% of some bacteria on: the outside of microwaves, public restrooms, door knobs, telephone receivers and key pads, wall switch plates, door frames, urinals, steering wheels, seat belt buckle and housings, dashboards, gear shift levers, accessory control knobs, wheelchair lifts, faceguards, plastic straps, and.." (last but most definitely not least) "non-porous surfaces of visors."

SWEET MERCIFUL CHRIST! That list makes me want to drink lighter fluid and rub salt in my eyes. If you want to not-really-disinfect your seat belt buckle, these guys are for you! Those Lysol bastards would whimper and disintegrate at the sight of a non-porous visor surface or a plastic strap, but not these glorious, damp bastards! So American Fare kinda-sorta-"limited" non-disinfecting wipes might not save your children from salmonella or remove germs from your toilet bowl, but god damn it if they won't moisten the shit out of your door frame. But why the fuck can't I use these on the INSIDE of my microwave?? Really? Wipes, now you're just being bossy.

Phew. That was intense. The moral of this story is generic brands suck weiner and you should just buy the good shit. Unless, you know, your door frame is really in need of a good moistening.