Dear Kind Sir: I Hope You Got A Blow Job

You inspired my very first Craigslist rave. That is saying a lot.

I was leaving work from the Portland Airport on a Tuesday afternoon at 5:30pm or so. Apparently all of humankind and their respective mothers were also attempting to travel between PDX and I-205 at this particular juncture of time. Normally, on a sunny day such as it was, I would roll down my windows, crank my embarassingly unhip music ("Broadway Today" anyone?), and succumb to the tragedy of slow-moving traffic. But, today was different.

I was in a mother-loving HURRY. There were things to do and dogs to pick up before the $5/minute deadline and my gas light was on and, I swear on all that is holy, changing from a pleasant amber color to a Lucifer-like blazing, urgent red. I flew past the left-turn-only traffic, bypassing a direct and slow route to the north-bound Glen Jackson Bridge, hoping instead to flip a bitch between Shari's and the Clarion Hotel at Holman.

You must have sensed my trepidation. I hope you know I wasn't trying to cheat. Really, I wasn't!! I thought I could pull of the U-ey beside the car wash, but then I remembered the "No Turn On Red" between Holman and the 205 onramp... DAMN! Such a bitch could never be rightfully flipped. These were desperate times, and desperate measures were called for.

Dear, kind Sir, in your modestly murdered-out black Outback, I wasn't even attempting to merge in front of you. I had my eye on the slow-moving diesel Ford monstrosity to your rear. I actually don't even know how you saw my blinker, or anticipated my need to geeyet over. I looked behind my left shoulder, expecting to see cars whizzing past, only to gaze upon your smiling, Oakley-wearing face, waving me on. I smiled widely and said, LOUDLY!, "THANK YOU!!"

I kept you in my rear-view until I exited at Highway 14 East. I want to throw roses at you and kiss you on the mouth.

You made my day.

-The girl in the white VW

PS. Later on this day when I went to Starbucks, my barista was really nice so I left $3 in the tip jar, because you inspired me with your kindness. I hope that very barista gave you a blow job, because then all would be right with the world and I may again believe in God.