When Elementary School "Field Day" Becomes a Multinational Sporting Event

I have to say, I friggin' love the Olympics. Don't we all, at least a little bit, even if we're wary to admit it? Who didn't weep tears of patriotism when Phelps swam his svelte little booty into the Ass-Kickery Hall of Fame? Who doesn't watch the 100 meter and laugh about how their faces jiggle in slow-motion?

It is the most--only?--multinational and prestigious sporting event on the planet. For a few weeks, we all come together and put aside our sociopolitical differences to join in the most diverse throw-down the world has ever seen.

All that being said, the Olympics are actually bat-shit insane. With the assistance of the always accurate guide to everything in the galaxy, Wikipedia, I will illustrate my point.

First off, HANDBALL. This is not a sexy-time move performed by your girlfriend. It is an Olympic sport. The official Olympics website describes it as a combination of Konigsbergerball and "snatch ball." I am so overwrought with distasteful innuendos, I'm pretty sure I need to register as a sex offender.

The steeplechase. Take a normal, run-around-in-a-circle race, but add in, say, some equestrian obstacles. I tuned into this randomly, as a steeplechasing virgin. I was like, "Oh, sweet, a race. Wait, what? Did they just jump over a hurdle into a giant puddle? Was that on purpose? Are they wearing Aquasocks? Dear god, is the sky still blue?!"

Table Tennis. I cannot actually believe that ping-pong is considered a sport, much less one of Olympic caliber. Olympian Table Tennis Stars, I am only interested in what you're doing if that table you're playing bouncy-ball on has keg-cups full of beer on it. My sincerest apologies to Forrest Gump.

Tug of War!! So now I'm cheating. I'm throwing in a vintage brain-mushingly ridiculous Olympic sport, which was performed from 1900 until 1920, when it was eliminated. That makes sense, because with women's suffrage also comes reasonable sanity. I would actually shit twice and die with total bliss if they reinstated Olympic Tug of War. It truly is the most Neanderthalian battle of who has the bigger penis: a bunch of guys pulling on a rope whilst grunting and making the other team fall over as the winning team cackles and says things like, "Yeah you really smoked my rope, boys!"

Rhythmic Gymnastics. They dress it up with lots of consonants, but in reality this is ladies dancing around a floor with ropes, clubs, hoops and/or ribbons. So basically, what I did at recess in the third grade. But actually, this is one of those things that you watch just so you can justify ranting about how retarded it is, and then once you see it you're like, "Holy fuckin' Moses, this is sweet."

After millions of years spent evolving into modern man from primordial ooze, and after the centuries of political and economic advancements, we can all stand with our crazy, Communist and/or Fascist brethren and compete for shiny things doing something involving ropes and hoops and jumping in puddles. That is fucking awesome. Go Team Earth!!

That One Time I Cried In The Soda Aisle

When I go to the grocery store, there are certain areas I simply gravitate to. It's a force of nature not unlike gravity... the law of physics simply will not allow me to walk past, say... the Economy Wine section of QFC without grabbing a bottle of Yellow Tail. These things I cannot control, and I accept that.

Another thing I cannot leave the grocery store without: Diet A&W. Even if I'm swinging by the store to pick up batteries, Diet A&W must be had. So crisp and delicious, it is the peanut butter to my jelly. The yin to my yang. I cannot maintain karmic Qi unless I leave the grocery store with Diet A&W.

Imagine my gut-wrenching dismay when I walked to the soda aisle and saw THIS:

Okay, seriously? Fuck you, Beverage Loader Guy. I know your job sucks and you probably get paid dick, but must you ruin my life with your cruel, sadistic stocking techniques? "Ahh, who gives a shit," you, Beverage Loader Guy, like mused to yourself, "Who needs Diet A&W? There's regular A&W and Barq's right there. I'll load this sunavabitch like a shit stuck sideways and no one will care."

I CARE!! Beverage Loader Guy, as you apparently don't know, Barq's ain't shit. Those "Barq's Has Bite" commercials? Yeah, if Barq's has bite, it's a gummy bite by a toothless hobo. Regular A&W? Tastes the same as diet, but add the subcutaneous fat settling on my midsection. Drinking Regular A&W is like chasing McTarnahan's Non-Alcoholic Beer with Bacardi 151. It makes no fucking sense.

I have drunkenly admitted to many a shameful thing, but this admission may be the most shameful yet: I did see if that Diet A&W was within arm's reach. It was not. I now know this, along with the entire staff of the QFC Deli, as well as the lady buying Turkey Pepperoni and looking at me with judging eyes.

I learned something today. When you're standing on top of an over-turned shopping basket, body-deep into the top level of the soda display grunting "FUCK!!! I can ALMOST reach it!!", you are within sonar range of Rock Bottom. You may as well check into rehab right now.

Bye, y'all!! See you in 90 days!