I am old and wise, and you should listen to me:
Tip well. Your server gets taxed 10% on your tab regardless and their job is sucky.And don't forget your pizza delivery person! Gas prices are downright offensive, and Jesus Mary & Joseph, they're bringing hot pizza to your doorstep! Show the love!
Don't waste time at a job that makes you miserable.
The Lakers suck and should die.
Sometimes, a little road rage releases just enough tension to make you feel good again. Thanks, Girl-In-The-Hyundai-Who-Nearly-Killed-Me-While-Putting-On-Mascara!! Sorry I flipped you off. Well, actually I take that back. Flipping you off was wonderful.
Oregon Ducks football rules the school, and yes, I hate Bellotti too.
Douchebag is the funniest word, ever. (Post-Script Edit: Wait, make that chode)
Rap music was single-handedly destroyed by Soulja Boy and his retarded kin. Those who grew up on post-Little-John ("Yeah! Okay!" Are you fucking serious? Kill yourself.) rap should go listen to Biggie and Dre's Chronic 2001 and prepare for their brain to explode.
Smile and say thank you to people who assist you at the store--whatever store that may be--Safeway, American Eagle, Rite Aid, your local Private Lives (I'm not judging). It really does make a difference. Smiling and saying thank you takes minimal effort, and if you can't muster it up, seek therapy.
You should watch the History Channel more often.
Drugs are bad. Trust me, I pay serious dinero to study black tar heroin and methamphetamine. As much as I love you all, I'd rather not see you professionally.
Add a dog to your family. Don't seek perfection as my dog Amos is the cutest god damn thing alive so I already beat you to it.
If you don't return your shopping cart and are not pregnant, ass old, or suffering from a serious physical ailment... JUST EFFING DO IT! Come on! I'm nearly positive you could use the exercise. Oh what, you don't have time? You just went shopping. Get the eff out of town.
Driving the speed limit is dumb. If you have boobs and tear ducts, risk it.
See movies by yourself. Eat so much popcorn doused in Artificial Butter Substance and salt that you have a mitt of sodium and preservatives by the time the credits roll. You will thank yourself.
Get your oil changed. Like, yesterday.
Once in a while, when you're feeling down, go to passiveaggressivenotes. com .. it is glorious.
For that matter, head over to hotchickswithdouchebags. com too.. also glorious.
Tell the people you love that you love them. They need to hear it as much as you do.
Soccer freaking rules.
So does college football.
Alameda Brew Pub has the best beer ever. Go there! It's off Powell in NE Portland, and you get the added benefit of driving past "The G Spot" which is the most depressing strip club I've ever seen.Yay Portland!
Wearing pajama pants and Uggs to the store don't make ya bad.
Credit cards are the devil.
Give yourself permission to find joy in your daily life... even if that takes form in laughing at those durned Emo kids with their ridiculous tapered tight-ass jeans. Bask in the glory of not having been so retarded in your own high school years!
Enjoy turning 23, like I did today! It's not as bad as I thought it would be.
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