The Laziness of Americans That Defies Explanation With Physics, Logic or Fat Jokes

I'm going to preface this with a fact about myself that most who know me have heard a million times, so I swear not to beat this horse to his 14th death.

One of the annoyances of daily life that has followed me from the very beginnings of my awareness of those around me - and notably how annoying everyone around me typically is - has got to be people who don't return their shopping carts. Pregnant people get a pass if they are in their third trimester, and it is raining. Anyone old enough to utilize absorbent underwear gets an enthusiastic pass and a hug. Injured/disabled - obviously - in fact, I'll push it back for you. Everyone else - you only get a free pass IF THERE ARE LOCUSTS.

This annoyance has been around probably since the invention of the wheel, and honestly - people who don't return their shopping carts now just bore me with the unoriginality of their laziness. There's a new sheriff in town, and ever since they came around to piss on my parade, I HAVE SEEN THEM EVERYWHERE.

There are people among you - your friends, coworkers, family - who take laziness to an entirely new level. These people are the belches and farts of evolution that take human form - as non-handicapped, non-pregnant, non-geriatric assclowns who push the Handicapped button on doors so they don't have to push them open themselves.

I am pretty sure that upon seeing this phenomenon, the little neurons in my brain look around at each other and say, "wait wait, this is our evolutionary competition...?" and immediately start huffing paint and shooting pure grain alcohol because, really, they got this shit in the bag.

Now this isn't just lazy. Pushing this button takes exactly the same amount of energy as pushing the fucking door open. But interestingly, people who push this button because they - gasp - are actually handicapped, are engaging in MUCH greater physical labor to pass through than the sweaty land-cows that push the Magic Button so they can have both hands free to double-fist cheeseburgers while they waddle through the doorframe sideways.

I mean seriously, these neurons of mine are definitely on a booze-soaked huffing binge because I can't even wrap my smart-ass brain around this next level of laziness. I feel like we should only encounter such hyper-laze in a technological age when cars drive themselves, mate with each other and robots wipe our asses.

I mean, where is the logic?! Regular, old-fashioned 20th century laziness at least MADE SENSE. Do something the easy way, because it's easier than doing it the normal way. Examples: Cooking boxed macaroni instead of boiling noodles, grating cheese and stirring. But now, this is a new breed. The new standard is: pushing a button to open a door so that it opens for you, instead of pushing a door so that it opens for you. So:

1) The amount of energy expended is the same

2) The end result is the same

3) Fuck - reread that sentence and the words describing what you're doing are practically the same

So what's the difference here? What makes the Magic Button the more attractive option? Does the Handicapped stick-figure symbol look like a fried turkey leg when your vision is clouded by the gym membership card in your wallet finally giving in and vaporizing?

I think I have it figured out. We have become so entitled that we don't feel obligated to do anything for ourselves! (pause) Wait wait wait... I was not looking to go the self-reflective route as much as I wanted to rag on the over-indulgent and growing stereotype of Americans who make me embarrassed to go to Europe. But, maybe I've directed my snotty dislike in the wrong direction. Maybe this level of laziness spans all activity levels and weight classes and I really need to face a harsh-ass reality:

OMG Y'ALL, AMERICANS ARE ALL FUCKING LAZY. Fat, skinny, rich, poor - we're all festering in laziness. My new mission is to spend an entire day making a mental log of all of the needlessly lazy things that I do not to save time or energy, but simply because I'm a lazy, dopey shit.

Okay, I know where I'll start - when I microwave my leftovers for one minute, I'm NOT going to press 6, 0 instead of 1, 0, 0, SIMPLY because it involves less buttons.

You too can be free of laziness! Join me! It's like someone really important said once:

"Give me liberty, or give me death!"

Unless, uhmm... liberty involves like doing lots of things, or walking places... in which case... let me get back to you after I'm done watching reality TV and eating Pizza Rolls.