The 4th however really reminded me of the gut-melting ridiculousness of being an American that none of us likes to acknowledge. We're greedy and corrupt, we cast aside the blue-collar workers, the "outcasts", those who are so unfortunate to be both sick AND poor. I mean the injustice that we are at the center of is definitely worthy of a well-researched, epic documentary for the world to see. But, I'm a fucking AMURIKUN so I'll make my point in my native language - via examples from reality TV. This is the first installment of many. You freaking Americans gave me a lot of material.
EXAMPLE #1: Toddlers & Tiaras vs. The Global Human Sex-Trafficking Trade
Who in their motherloving mind wouldn't just spontaneously vomit at the idea of a young girl being whored out for the sexual gratification of perverts? I mean, the UN is all up on that shit and it's a huge global problem. Anyone capable of human emotion could reasonably agree that sex trafficking little girls is fucked-up, yo!
Let me please remind you that you live in America, where mothers dress up their kindergartners in the image of what they wished they looked like when they were 22 before they became obese hedgehogs of wives - in spray-tans, more makeup than B-list porn stars, and enough sequins to bury Elton John on the moon.
I am a non-sex-offending heterosexual woman and my first thought upon seeing this was, "Damn, girl." WHAT IS GOING ON HERE! When I was this age, I had finger-paint smeared on my face and hadn't combed my hair in two weeks. This girl has nicer legs than me and more makeup than I wore to the prom and SHE IS FUCKING, LIKE, SIX YEARS OLD! Okay, so... let me get this straight. We wax the legs of six-year old girls and shackle them in make-up and body-paint while teaching them that the more men want to bang them, the more they're worth - but we call porn stars and Planned Parenthood patients "sluts"...? My brain is pooping its pants right now.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not faulting these poor girls for the whore parade that they're forced into by their fat, unemployed mothers. In fact, my solution to the American Sex Trafficking Trade that we call "beauty pageants" is really simple - if you have poor self-worth and somehow managed to wrangle a man into marriage so he can pay your bills and free up your schedule to accommodate fast-food binges and Oprah reruns FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST USE CONTRACEPTION. Please don't have children that you sickeningly use to remind yourself that you had really hot genes before you decided to sustain yourself on as many Twinkies as you can shove down your gaping maw before your husband comes home and avoids having sex with you.
I guess the moral of this story is: If you fancy the idea of a female being given money, attention and praise based on the caliber of her body and general attractiveness - please follow the below steps:
1) Take birth control pills like they are fucking M&Ms and double-bag any naked penis that comes near you.
2) Go to the gym, eat a reasonable diet, take pride in your hot-ass body and show it off as you see fit.
3) Use said body to do any/all of the following - land a man/get a job/make money/feel good about yourself/contribute to society.
I mean, shitting out a kid that you dress up sexier than you could ever hope to be is really just the ultimate lazy cop-out. How un-American is that?! I am ALL FOR the excessive portrayal of the beautiful and sexy female body. I love a hot chick in a short skirt any day of the week. So ladies, if you agree with that statement to the point that you want to financially benefit from the fact that men love to look at tan, skinny things - BE A TAN, SKINNY THING. Don't cop-out and just squeeze something out of your vagina that you cover in glitter and mascara while it still has baby teeth and shove it up on stage to be spank-bank material.
Be a true American! Whore yourself and not your offspring! It's the patriotic thing to do.
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