Alas, don’t worry about me!! I rake in the chips in an industry that will never disappear regardless of the impending financial apocalypse--Convicted Sexual Deviance. The fact that my sex-offender polygraph business franchise has stayed steady and then some over the last few dismal economic months really makes me think. When the economy crashes, people stop buying silly extravagances. They stop eating out at over-priced restaurants. They stop paying a house-cleaner and just do that shit themselves. They buy generic brand refried beans instead of the good shit--you know, Rosarita brand, with the hot Mexican lady in the flowy white top, that doesn’t have oil settled on top when you open the can.
HOWEVER…
When a bear is hungry… he will eat, my friends. Concurrently, he will drink copiously. And also he will bone random bitches with reckless abandon. Sex and liquor are the great equalizers. So here is my hypothesis: I should sell everything in my possession, including but not limited to my non-essential organs such as one of my kidneys and possibly my appendix; to front the money to open an independently-run Liquor Store/Smut Shop. That’s right folks. Booze, porn, distastefully discreet vibrators, strap-ons, and MIXERS. For the love of all that is Holy, every store selling liquor should be required to sell POP and JUICE, and this novel concept is long overdue in its enactment. I feel compelled to channel one of my regular stop-offs while living in Bozeman, Montana--Pork Chop John’s. Walk through the front door and go left, you get deep fried sausage and chicken-fried pork. Go to the right, and you get a full cooler of mixers along with 90% alcohol content Everclear and the cheapest Jack D you’ll find in the lower 48. Did I mention the cashiers spit their chew at the floor before handing you your receipt? I’m quite sure it’s the closest place to the Kingdom of Heaven on our humble Earth. Ever hit up the liquor store just across the I-5 Bridge in Jantzen Beach? No sales tax, cheap liquor and mixers galore. It is positively magical. I need a spare pair of panties just to walk through the door, I’m not even gonna lie.
So let us all do our part to reinvigorate the global economy. Gas is down to two bucks a gallon so I know you have some flex money in that wallet of yours. Treat yourself to some Toys in Babeland merchandise, and purchase the hell out of some holiday liquor specials. Whiskey AND a tumbler? Rum AND a celebratory shot glass? Random name-brand, rapper-endorsed vodka AND an emblazoned low-ball glass? YES. PLEASE.
We all must make sacrifices. Orgasms and liquor for financial stability, HOLLAH!!
1 comment:
Might I suggest a biblical themed Porn/Liquor shop that sells only Jesus worthy porned as we have discussed at length?? Delilah Does Damascus is going to be a hit, I'm telling you. People are dying to reverse cowgirl the Messiah. I was at church this morning and let me tell you...there's a market out there for this. You could also sell biblical beverages, you know, Jesus Juice, if you will...think about it.
Post a Comment