Another thing I cannot leave the grocery store without: Diet A&W. Even if I'm swinging by the store to pick up batteries, Diet A&W must be had. So crisp and delicious, it is the peanut butter to my jelly. The yin to my yang. I cannot maintain karmic Qi unless I leave the grocery store with Diet A&W.
Imagine my gut-wrenching dismay when I walked to the soda aisle and saw THIS:
Okay, seriously? Fuck you, Beverage Loader Guy. I know your job sucks and you probably get paid dick, but must you ruin my life with your cruel, sadistic stocking techniques? "Ahh, who gives a shit," you, Beverage Loader Guy, like mused to yourself, "Who needs Diet A&W? There's regular A&W and Barq's right there. I'll load this sunavabitch like a shit stuck sideways and no one will care."
I CARE!! Beverage Loader Guy, as you apparently don't know, Barq's ain't shit. Those "Barq's Has Bite" commercials? Yeah, if Barq's has bite, it's a gummy bite by a toothless hobo. Regular A&W? Tastes the same as diet, but add the subcutaneous fat settling on my midsection. Drinking Regular A&W is like chasing McTarnahan's Non-Alcoholic Beer with Bacardi 151. It makes no fucking sense.
I have drunkenly admitted to many a shameful thing, but this admission may be the most shameful yet: I did see if that Diet A&W was within arm's reach. It was not. I now know this, along with the entire staff of the QFC Deli, as well as the lady buying Turkey Pepperoni and looking at me with judging eyes.
I learned something today. When you're standing on top of an over-turned shopping basket, body-deep into the top level of the soda display grunting "FUCK!!! I can ALMOST reach it!!", you are within sonar range of Rock Bottom. You may as well check into rehab right now.
Bye, y'all!! See you in 90 days!
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